Our roots define who we are?

via Daily Prompt: Roots Roots

A question that I ask myself often is if myย rootsย define who I am. I am keep on wondering if I can change who I am, if it makes me unhappy. You see, I come from a family where family drama and fights happened often. I was constantly stressed as a child, constantly wishing I had a different family. However, I was always telling myself that it could be worse.

Once I became an adult and I moved out from my parents home I didn’t feel free like I thought I would. I was always looking for my parents approval in any decision that I was taking and when they did not agree with me it made me really uncomfortable. I lived like this for some years. I hit the bottom a couple of times, depression and anxiety where always part of my life. See, this is what I think has to do with our roots as well. Our well-being depends so much on where we came from.

Since I was stressed as a child that followed me in my adult life as well. I was making everyone around me feel like they are putting a constant pressure on my shoulders and no matter what they did to please me I was just reproaching that they do not get me.

They can’t understand me, I was constantly thinking.

One would think that after a hard childhood I should have normally distance myself from the people who created all the drama in my life. Instead, I was closer to them then ever. Trying somehow to make them understand the harm that they caused I was constantly trying to get their attention. And I did! But to what cost? I became the “drama queen” of the family. By now I was having my own family. Two children and a wonderful man to take care of and to concentrate on. But I was not! I was still concentrating on them! On the roots, on the people who made me suffer so much.

Not so long ago it hit me! I am free of them. It is my decision if I want to let them hurt me or move on and be happy. After a lot of suffering and crying, I was able to leave my terrible childhood behind. I became an understanding mother and a loving woman for the man next to me. I still talk to my parents, I do. I can’t let them behind me, however their opinions or approval do not have an impact in my life anymore.

I decided to leave my roots behind and I started to create new roots for my own family.

And that allowed me to live a happy life!

Cristina B.

“Be Brave” is what she thought

He slammed the door! That was not a good sign and she knew it so well. That meant only one thing: he was dead drunk again and they were all in trouble. She realized that she was shaking though she was not cold. That was a common thing and she hated that feeling.

She could hear him puffing and saying something in the kitchen. It wasnโ€™t easy to hear what he was mumbling but she knew that soon she will find out. Suddenly, she heard a plate banging on the wall and he started to scream. Her shaking increased as she heard him walking straight to their bedroom. She was sleeping in the same room as her young brother and she knew that he was awake too, even though he said nothing at all.

He stopped for a few seconds at the door while mumbling some swear words that normally should not be said to your kids. She knew then: the beating is starting once again. He slammed the door open and screamed her name. Questions came in, like: Why are dirty dishes in the kitchen? Are you a pig? Why is this house such a mess all the time? She was trying to adjust her eyes to the light and trying not to burst into tears once again. She was so fed up with this life. They did not deserve this kind of life. She knew she had to do something! It was now or never and she was prepared to fight, no matter what the cost might be.

To her surprise he left the room, banging the door after him. She was just sitting there, on top of the bed, somehow trying to protect her little brother from all this messy, unfair life. She somehow knew it was not over. And was she right! While she was trying to catch her breath, and stop her tears, he came back with even more frustration. She knew he had a hard life, trying to provide for his family in a country where no matter how hard you work you never have enough, but was that their fault? Was it necessary for him to put that pressure on them?

This time he said nothing.ย  He just grabbed her legs and he pulled her out of the bed. She banged her head on the floor. Was it the adrenaline, the fear, the shock? She didnโ€™t know what it was but there it came her fighting: โ€œTHIS IS ENOUGH! NO MORE OF YOUR CRAP! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU COMING HOME DRUNK LIFE HELL AND THINK THAT YOU CAN DO AND SAY ANYTHING TO US! I CANโ€™T DO THIS ANYMORE, YOU ARE A MONSTER AND IF I WOULD LIVE ON THE STREETS I WOULD BE BETTER THAN LIVING HERE WITH YOU. I AM 14 YEARS OLD, I SHOULD GO TO SCHOOL AND WORRY ABOUT HOMEWORK AND EXAMS AND BOYS NOT LIKING ME, NOT YOUR NONSENSE MONEY ISSUES! THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND IF YOU CANโ€™T DO IT JUST GO ON AND LEAVE US BUT DO NOT DARE TO CALL YOURSELF A DAD ANYMORE!โ€

Shock was on his face! He let go on her and just looked her deep into the eyes for a few minutes. He was probably contemplating what to do next, but he probably saw in her eyes that this was it; tonight, someone must give in and it wasnโ€™t her anymore. And so, he left the room and never touched them again.

What a brave little girl she was! She was happy the nightmare ended, but she couldnโ€™t help but wonder: if she would have done this before, would it have ended sooner? This is something that she will never know.

Cristina B.

#bookreview … Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (kindle edition)ย 

Not so long ago I finished reading this book and I wanted to review it for so long, but I didn’t know how to put it in words. The thing is, this book had such a high impact on me because the things happening in it are actually happening in real life, every single day! And most of us, including me, don’t do anything to stop it! So this is not a professional review, it’s just the impact that the book had on me. 

Clay Jensen received some tapes from a girl that was going to school with him but that committed suicide. As he listens to her tapes, he realizes that there were so many occasions in which he could have helped her but he didn’t. The fact is, that he would have probably not make her change her mind, but the fact that he didn’t try really gets to him. 

Isn’t that what most of us do? See the signs but we say nothing? We turn our eyes and pretend like nothing happened? Tell people to just get over stuff? Tell them that life sucks? Yup, we do that! We don’t realize however, that our actions are actually making other people suffer. And than are those that do realize but don’t care! 

This book made me cry several times! Brought sad and heavy, heartbreaking memories! But made me realize that I must be careful with what I say or do, because there is no such thing as ‘exaggerating people’ only ‘sensitive people’! And there is nothing wrong with being sensitive! 

โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ Stars!!! โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

Thanks for reading! 

Cristina B. 

You deserve better…

There are people that walk next to you just when it’s convenient for them. People that forget how much they shared with you just because right now they are in a better place then they were before. There are people that when you least expect it, will turn against you, just like that! No explanation, no excuse, just because! 

You will wonder what went wrong! Was it something you said? Something you did? Something you didn’t say or do? 

You will get mad! You will stop thinking about it! And you will probably get mad again because you simply can’t understand why the fake friendship for so long!

There will come a point when you will understand that it’s not about you! It’s actually because people are selfish and they stand by you only when it’s convenient to them! Give them a better job than yours, a good place to live in, some different friends and that’s all it takes for them to feel superior all of the sudden. The thing is though, there will come a point when you won’t care for them anymore. There will come a point when you will move on and completely remove them from your life, even if it costs you a lot to do so. And when maybe, just maybe, they will fall again from that high pedestal, they will want to turn back to you! However, you already move on, because there is only so much that you can accept. There comes a point when too much was just too much and you realize that you just deserve to be treated better! 

I guess that what I’m trying to say is just: don’t let anyone make you think that they are better than you! โคโคโค

Cristina B. 

I thought ๐Ÿ’ญ…

I thought I had a friend. 

I thought that I was actually accepted by someone without judgement and just because. 

Ohhh how wrong I was! 

It didn’t hurt to realize that the friendship was not there…

It hurt to realize that I fooled myself one more time…

Maybe I learned my lesson this time.

Reality is that I don’t have a friend…only the need to have one…

Why is it so easy for some people to have a bunch of friends and yet so hard for some to have just one? 

I’ll never have an answer for that! 

Cristina B.

Dream or Reality?

How to make the difference? Someone said to pinch myself and if I feel pain, I am awake. But am I really? How do I know for sure?

Lately I dream a lot about waking up in my own dream and waking up again just to realize that I am still in a dream. At one point I get so freaked out that I am scared I might not wake up at all…to reality. So, when I think that I am finally awake…how do I know for sure that I am not still in a dream?

You might think that it makes no sense what I say. But hear me out for one second: I live and I feel more when I am in a dream. How is that possible? Why, when I am awake, I feel like my mind and body are hibernating? I feel like I can’t be myself, I can’t say or do what I want, I can’t be someone, because there is no space for me in this world. I have this feeling that all I do is bother those around me. Though when I dream, I feel alive. I feel the feelings, I feel the life! When I get scared in a dream, I am scared to tears, I feel terrified! I feel like screaming and crying and running (though most of the time I can’t do either).

A dream that hunts most of my nights lately is that I wake up in my bed, I get up and I realize somehow that I am dreaming. I say to myself that is time to wake up and so I do. Just to realize that I am still in my dream. And so it goes a few times until I finally manage to open my eyes and breath slowly, somehow relived that I finally woke up. I can’t help it though, and I have to wonder: Am I really awake?

If you have any books about dreams and how the mind works in situations like this, please feel free to share them with me. I am in need of some helpful information.

Thanks for reading! Have a great night with possibly no dreams at all!

Cristina B.

Ufff…It’s been so long…

It’s been so long…such a long time that I opened the computer to actually write something. Who cares about my bla, bla, bla anyways? ๐Ÿ™‚ Probably nobody, but for some reason this blog was always my ‘go to place’ when I felt that I am falling apart. It’s been some crazy busy few months and there are other months waiting for me. I decided though, that I’ll come back to my reading blogs and share things on my blog.

So I had this crazy idea about making money online and I changed my life and my blog and I tried to learn about networking and marketing and all that stuff. It took me just a few months to realize that this thing is not for me. So yeah, maybe networking is the future, who knows? From what I see around me, the end of the world might just come sooner rather then later. Too dramatic, you think? Well…I don’t know about that! ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah, back to making money online. So…this thing is really for people that know what they are doing, that are passionate and that are ready to invest money and invest again and again. Or so I think anyways. After, there is this thing of making friends online. You know what the problem is with that? That so many people that you meet online, the so called ‘ Let me help you and teach you how to make $30 000 per month’ are mostly just a bunch of people that all they want is your money to share with you things that you already know! Yeah!!! Do you know how many time in these few months I subscribed to online seminars about how to make your online business work and all the time I was just hearing things that I know already?! Many, many times! Anyhow…I am not saying it might not work and that all are liars, but yeah…you gotta be careful out there as many of them really don’t care about you or your business, they just want your money.

On another note, how about all the politics and manifestations that go on and on in the world? And I am not talking just about the United States. Also, there are parts of Europe that start to feel the pressure and want to make a change. So, I stayed as far away as I could from all the posting on social media about these things, not because I don’t care or that I don’t have an opinion about it, but simply because my opinions seemed to be somehow different from what people were sharing. At one point, I decided to share a thought about some thing that I thought was stupid. And ohhhhh boyyyy! People jumped on and told me that I’m so judgemental and that people can do whatever they want and that I should not attack people like that. LooooooL. Yeah, that is what I have to say about that! Because I find it so strange that everybody seems to think they have the right to share their thoughts and opinions but as soon as someone thinks differently they feel attacked. And those people that start with philosophical stuff (I meant to say sh*t) that analyze every single word you put out there, as in : ‘ohhh, if you say this than in reality you mean this, and you say this because of a deeper problem that you have and your ego and bla bla bla’. I have an opinion and that’s it. I don’t see why we should analyze every single word that I say or write. Goshhh…not to mention that apparently I  have an ego problem so this girl advised me to read I don’t know what book. So instead of telling her where to put that book, I just cleaned my Facebook list! Yup! Winter cleaning happened on my Facebook. Not because they don’t accept my opinions but because they think I should accept theirs but they don’t accept mine. So, out of my life they are. Who needs people like that anyways? I don’t!

Now that I am done my bla, bla…How is everyone? I actually missed my blog and I know I’ve been absent and I didn’t read any blogs lately (shame on me) but I am getting back to that! ๐Ÿ™‚

Have a great night my dears! I’m so happy to be back! Stay safe!

Cristina B.