A question that I ask myself often is if my roots define who I am. I am keep on wondering if I can change who I am, if it makes me unhappy. You see, I come from a family where family drama and fights happened often. I was constantly stressed as a child, constantly wishing I had a different family. However, I was always telling myself that it could be worse.
Once I became an adult and I moved out from my parents home I didn’t feel free like I thought I would. I was always looking for my parents approval in any decision that I was taking and when they did not agree with me it made me really uncomfortable. I lived like this for some years. I hit the bottom a couple of times, depression and anxiety where always part of my life. See, this is what I think has to do with our roots as well. Our well-being depends so much on where we came from.
Since I was stressed as a child that followed me in my adult life as well. I was making everyone around me feel like they are putting a constant pressure on my shoulders and no matter what they did to please me I was just reproaching that they do not get me.
They can’t understand me, I was constantly thinking.
One would think that after a hard childhood I should have normally distance myself from the people who created all the drama in my life. Instead, I was closer to them then ever. Trying somehow to make them understand the harm that they caused I was constantly trying to get their attention. And I did! But to what cost? I became the “drama queen” of the family. By now I was having my own family. Two children and a wonderful man to take care of and to concentrate on. But I was not! I was still concentrating on them! On the roots, on the people who made me suffer so much.
Not so long ago it hit me! I am free of them. It is my decision if I want to let them hurt me or move on and be happy. After a lot of suffering and crying, I was able to leave my terrible childhood behind. I became an understanding mother and a loving woman for the man next to me. I still talk to my parents, I do. I can’t let them behind me, however their opinions or approval do not have an impact in my life anymore.
I decided to leave my roots behind and I started to create new roots for my own family.
And that allowed me to live a happy life!